It’s really hard starting a new ‘thing’.

For me, having recently relocated back ‘home’ after living abroad for 10 years, there has been an extra layer of vulnerability in launching a new offering, with a desire to connect with and connect others.

What if this is a complete flop, clear for all of my old friends to see?

Fortunately, the first session went really well and despite realising after launching that the planning and marketing for the event takes probably more time than I have available (I often have this revelation too late) — it feels worth the extra hustle to create something special.

The Circle is set in a unique venue, where a flamboyance of flamingos (I didn’t actually remember that one from my childhood First Aid in English collective terms list) hang out, a mere handful of metres from a circle of women, gathered to share a (hopefully) life-enhancing experience.

When I found the venue, it was too special to let it pass by. I applied for the residency via their application, a Monday night spot just for me to create an experience that will bring women together, week after week.

Upon hearing back from the very lovely and supportive owner, I said I’d take a look through the brochure and rental pricing and come back to her over the next week. But I soon found myself reviewing and replying to her within an hour to confirm — yes, let’s do it.

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You can view some professional photos of the first event via my Instagram account (I don’t have them to hand to paste in this article yet).

The Importance of Creating Momentum

I am guilty of acting now and thinking later from time to time (this feels like a possible understatement).

But I prefer to think that often those occasions are actually intuitive awareness of opportunities that create forward momentum.

Momentum with your next-step actions for launching or growing a business or creative practice (or anything really) feels to me a highly desirable and useful state of motion, as compared to stuck-ness and rumination.

Where there is a potential for learning, collating evidence about what works (or doesn’t), determining how you want to be spending your time (or not), it’s clear that the quicker you gather this information the better, for honing your life and decisions accordingly.

Usually, every step beyond the first couple can’t actually be figured out in advance. You need the data, the mistakes, the wins, to just start — to feel the experience come to life and learn the truth about whether it resonates, and what it adds to your life and potentially the lives of others, in real terms.

This is why mistakes are actually gold dust, and not something to be afraid of. If there’s a part of you that thinks you can move through life taking only series of ‘perfect’ actions with no room for improvement, sorry to be the bearer of unfortunate news.

Getting on with it, imperfectly

When I started my successful wellness business in Lake Como, Lake Como Wellness, it was just me, myself and I to begin with, teaching yoga, and occasional IFS and wellbeing themed workshops.

When I sold the business several years later, we had our own studio, marketing support and a team of eight teachers of different disciplines — as well as a broad community of hundreds of local residents, and tourist clients who booked private yoga sessions in iconic Lake Como Villas and locations.

On the subject of creating momentum, taking leaps, and moving things forward, two relevant points come to mind when I think back to the early days of setting up Lake Como Wellness.

Firstly, I didn’t really like the name — I initially thought it was too boring and straightforward. I shared it anyway, and the logo I had designed on Canva, with a couple of people whose opinions I valued, and they both said liked it. I still wasn’t totally sure, but coupled with their enthusiasm (so crucial to have people in your corner), and my desire to press ahead, I did just that.

You could call it ‘settling’ in a way, yet retrospectively, it didn’t matter. What became the most important thing was the community of clients and practitioners, and all of their combined hearts and energy, that eventually made Lake Como Wellness what it was. Imagine if that hadn’t come to exist because of overthinking a good enough name.

Secondly, I sent a message to a chiropractor I was seeing at the time (due to wakeboarding hip joint injury) and asked if I could use this incredible waiting room at his office in the centre of Como town to deliver yoga sessions.

This was a fleeting idea that could have passed me by, or become muddled in an array of overthinking about the business, location, possible venues, and ‘am I really going to do this?’ type of thinking.

He replied 8 minutes later - “Absolutely. Let’s meet and discuss.”

Within a month, I was running three classes a week there and holding my first group workshop. I look back and feel like things might easily not have evolved, or have turned out much differently, if I hadn’t acted upon the idea to send that inquisitive Whatsapp message.

Parts of Us Predicting the Future

When it comes to different parts of us and their perspectives, I notice that the time dimensions they tend/try to operate in varies.

Some overthinking, seeking control-of-the-impossible manager parts of us, are often trying to live in the future. They’re writing stories in our heads about the way things will or could turn out, driving worries about things that haven’t happened, grasping onto control by thinking that enough planning ahead or predicting the future now, will in fact seal our definite fate. They think it will make the uncertain, certain.

These parts of us tend to have perfectionist tendencies, and they like to think things through, often to the extent that they overwhelm our entire system, which can lead to the aforementioned stuck-ness and ‘analysis paralysis’. This is fertile ground for self-doubt to be given a loud enough mic that between the two, the main event — the action — is postponed. Sometimes indefinitely.

Our business, idea, creative project never gets its first breath of life in the external world, and we miss out on the learning and enjoyment of the journey, never mind the further opportunities that it might present once we get the ball rolling.

This is a topic I love working with people on in 1:1 sessions, or my small group coaching sessions (online).

Parts Stuck in the Past

There are parts of us living in the past, literally.

They’re stuck in time when something has gone wrong before in our lives, and they are trying to slam the evidence bundle at the top of the pile as to why this next step is a risk that’s simply not worth taking.

But these concerned and anxious parts of us are trying hard to protect us, but crucially, they have often missed what’s happened in between. We’ve grown up, learnt a few things about life, matured into the adults with the capacities and potential we have today — to live out our fullest, truest lives.

We aren’t a little kid anymore, waiting for the next person to tell us we’ve done something ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, or to give us permission to think outside the box.

There actually isn’t a wrong or a box to fit into when it comes to some of the funnest things in life, including starting a business that’s connected to your passion, or simply living your creative dreams (without any business element).

On the one hand, it’s unfortunate we don’t have a step-by-step guide for our creative projects, but on the other, what a privilege to realise we can write the steps ourselves. The deep, true confidence to do so, lives just behind these parts that are overprotecting us based on the worst moments of the past, and the worst they can think up about the future.

The Presence of Our Self

Then we each have our (capital S) Self. This IFS term relates to something within us that’s separate to the ‘parts’ that we build compassionate, inner relationships with during an IFS healing process.

Self is most definitely in the present. It’s presence defined! Calm presence with whatever is in front of us, simply being with the task in front of us — without judgement.

Self is the source of the natural inclination to create that exists within all of us. And different parts of us facilitate our actions by bringing the Self-led ideas to fruition — unless they have become entrenched in concerns stemming from the past or relating to the future, in which case they actually restrain the creative efforts.

We obviously do need some forward planning, and evidence from the past experiences to inform our daily decisions, about our work or life in general. You can’t cross a road safely without bearing in mind the possible risks, and the possible risk of future hospitalisation if you don’t look out for oncoming traffic. You draw on information about past experiences and experiments to inform future ones.

What’s important is to avoid the risks, and the ‘safe’ boundaries, being exaggerated and stifling the expression of you, when it comes to bringing your vision to life.

Life is too short and too precious to spend it stuck in rumination about the next perfect step, when it comes to offering your gifts to the world. And if it’s something you’ve never done before, you can never actually know until you give it a try. But when you’re connected to the calmness and clarity of your Self, and with the different parts of you on board with the plan and trusting of you, magical things can happen!

Below you’ll find an IFS exercise to help you reflect further on this.

This is the section of my Substack articles that are available to paid subscribers, along with access to a monthly live workshop.

This month’s workshop details are as follows:

The Zoom link will be shared in a separate paid post over this weekend, and emailed to paid subscribers ahead of the event.

If you’re not yet a paid subscriber, you can upgrade by pressing the button below. It’s just £10 per month, and you get access to:

• A live monthly workshop and Q&A

• Going forward, the archive of previous workshops and past paid content

• Bonus periodic IFS resources and materials, including prompts, worksheets and guides.

IFS Exercise

Get to know the parts of you that have something to say about your creative ideas, and see if you can find some common ground.

Read more

I’ve run my coaching business (and previously my wellness business in Lake Como), long enough to just about know the drill: make the information easy to find, add a way to book and pay.

What actually followed, to the mild irritation but overall kind understanding of my husband and kids (we were away for half-term), was a full day and several late nights tapping away on my laptop.

The ‘small’ landing page project became an entire new website that now houses all of my existing, as well as new offerings: online groups (two new groups starting in June), one-to-one sessions, the in-person weekly Women’s Circle (in paradise), and soon, weekend retreats at the same, stunning venue.

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I decided, you know, whilst I was at it, it was a good moment to move everything under my own name, www.madelinegibson.co.uk.

“The IFS Coach” still literally spells out the core of my work, but my new in-person events include a broader coaching (and yoga) element. I need to reach beyond those seeking specifically IFS coaching for at least that, even if IFS is in fact woven into those experiences.

I felt proud of building the new site from scratch, especially as I don’t consider myself a technical person. I had the same feeling of pride when I made my first website for my last business (now under new ownership), Lake Como Wellness. Getting to the point of hitting publish feels momentous and is the point at which you can move on to the next phase of taking bookings and actually delivering your thing.

Going live this time made me reflect on what it actually requires to get a product or service into the world as a small business owner. Just one part of it, the persistence, drafting, and attention to detail of websites in particular can really take a lot of energy, which can be exhausting.

And this is all happening after you’ve clarified in your mind what your ‘thing’ is, and potentially, wrestled with inner doubters about whether you’re really up to the job (especially relevant if this is a new thing for you.)

I ran through a list of what it’s taken to bring my online and in-person offerings to life this time round:

• Choose and register an available domain

• Start a website and link the domain

• Create About pages that coherently share who you are, what you do, and why

• Find images that represent you and your work

• Write sales pages: what it is, how it works, why it helps

• Choose layouts, fonts, colours, and make each page intentional and easy to digest

• Set up a CRM (I use Flodesk) and create checkouts and workflows

• Set up a payment platform (I use Stripe)

• Link it all together (careful copying and pasting of a million links, zzz)

• Remember that marketing exists, and is unavoidable

• Create content: graphics, leaflets, social posts (I use Canva)

• Order printed leaflets; collect and distribute them to noticeboards etc. (I felt this was key for my in-person events)

• Write captions, add links, share across platforms

• Send info to your mailing list, WhatsApp contacts, and elsewhere

It feels exhausting, just to read that list!

Usually, during term-time, I work with a brilliant person and Virtual Assistant Sophie Ingleby (you can check out her Substack and services out here), who helps to pull a lot of this (and sometimes, myself) together.

Yes, this tech-y, admin, marketing side of things comes after you’ve allowed time and space for your natural creativity and clarity of initial ideas to emerge. Well, just enough clarity to trial something (I find it best to see everything as a trial).

I actually love helping clients who are way-finding through their idea-to-launch phase, in terms of what’s going on in their inner worlds (I’ll come back to this particular aspect more below).

This side of things also comes before actually doing your thing—and you absolutely need energy reserves leftover for that part (yelp!).

(I am seriously not trying to put anyone off starting their thing here — the opposite.)

Learning To Do It Like It’s Part of The Dance (Or, Not Dancing At All?)

Earlier this week, a participant in one of my IFS groups told me about an experience she attended in London. It didn’t even have a name.

Supposedly a facilitator training, it was seemingly not confined by the limitations of english-spoken words.

It sounded roughly like ‘healing presence and connection’ was a good, if any, summary. This person lit up as she tried to speak about it, and said it was the most impactful group experience she’d ever attended. The substance was indescribable, and everyone she spoke to felt that way too.

I’m sure there must have been some admin around setting up the event, and onboarding participants, but the openness, ‘freedom’ from words, labels and marketing copy, especially when it had clearly made such an impact, stopped me in my tracks.

The simplicity defined it. Lengthy sales pages and careful presentation trying to control the outcomes weren’t what made it impactful. It felt like a moment of both realisation and relief for my system and especially those parts of me that become easily exhausted by this side of running a creative, healing business.

So, is there a balance?

It’s unlikely, especially when starting out, that you can skip all of the the steps above and relax in a tranquil forest waiting for clients to stumble across you.

So, what do I know about anything that can make the steps easier? I’ll share it here, also to remind myself, and invite your thoughts too.

Strategising and Setting Yourself Up Online

All I can say about this is, firstly, to repeat what I said earlier: don’t wait too long to trial launching your idea. You can start with the least barriers option (minimal tech set up, etc.) But don’t let the idea whirl around your mind with no new information that’s going to make the decision any easier. Just literally do it, trial it, take whatever the first step in the right direction is.

I can remember when I realised how valuable mistakes are in learning through this process. If making a mistake or getting it ‘wrong’ feels too terrifying right now - read on for something that might help with that.

Sophie, who I mentioned earlier, is really good at helping to map out and build a sustainable online landscape for your offers, as well as helping with the nitty-gritty of getting it all set up (Substack, Flodesk, social media etc).

Marketing without becoming exhausted

There are fun and creative ways to market too, without being exhausted by the time you deliver your service. Annie Ridout, for example, has a brilliant course called “The Creative Way” that helps with this, and I aspire to live by this process, which includes writing here on Substack (yay!).

I have actually resonated with Annie’s process even more as I’ve written and reflected on this recent experience and in general, how your energy can be best used (and preserved) when trying to sell your services.

Once you’re established, word of mouth - which is how I’ve very gratefully met most of my 1:1 clients to date - is also absolutely ideal marketing, and likely what the no-name facilitator training relies upon, rather than “optimised copy.”

I do believe the right people find you at the right time for them (and you). But you do need to be findable.

Starting From the Beginning

Let’s take one more step back (and I also have a live workshop mentioned below on this juicy bit of the process) - what about the lead-up to the action?

The story about the no-name event got me thinking about the inner players when you’re hoping to launch something - an event, a movement or a new venture, or a new iteration of you and your business (e.g. if you’re just coming back from maternity leave, as I was).

I mentioned control and how we might try to manage people’s perceptions and expectations, especially tricky if you have a history of people-pleasing and perfectionism. I, for sure, can get caught up overthinking what exactly I want to offer, from the million ways you can package, and sell, coaching / wellness events and services.

If we’re not careful though, the natural creative energy, the clarity about what you want to give to the world, emerging from what we call “Self” in IFS, can start to be overshadowed by e.g. an uptight inner marketing manager part. If she/he gets carried away, they’re asking internally, “How can I guarantee this is packaged or will sound appealing - to everyone? How to make it universally perfect?” (Reasonable, right?!)

If your inner marketing-minded part takes over with a desire for perfectionism or absolute control over the outcome - instead of being a supporting act, contributing skills and knowledge in a measured, artful way, momentum stalls.

For me, when this happens, the heart-led, free-flowing energy and enthusiasm for what I want to offer becomes clouded.

Some thoughtful consideration before leaping is useful, of course. It’s when, for example, perfectionist parts become extreme that problems arise. Stuck-ness sets in. Creativity is repressed by protective, managerial parts of us who are trying to control the outcome. They set in like clouds across a bright, open sky—the sun (our gifts and heart-led desire to connect and be of service) becoming blocked.

What helps - what I rely on, and help others do through IFS, is befriending those worried, uptight, even fearful parts. We can identify their concerns, where they originate, and try to build a self-trust that we are able to handle this process more lightly.

From there, our gifts can shine through from Self, with supportive inner parts offering their real strengths, such as attention to detail, discernment, willingness to learn the tech and design a flyer.

It’s important that we can separate from parts trying to control the process and allow ample space for our authenticity to be the key ingredient.

I’m thankful I found the persistence to set up the new event, and for the journey to the first (almost full) Circle, and the learning that has come with it.

Now I can move on to delivery. I’ll show up to the first session on Monday, welcoming all of who the participants are, and all of who I am - landing page copy, technical glitches and ‘Page Not Found’, a distant memory.

Upcoming Live Workshop

Are you thinking about launching a new creative project, event, workshop, or other offering? I’d love to hear in the comments which stage you’re up to and any wins, tips or challenges you have.

Leave a comment

Paid subscribers are also invited to a live workshop with me on Thursday 18 June at 12:00 (recording available if you can’t make this time):

The Zoom link will be shared in a separate paid post over this weekend, and emailed to paid subscribers ahead of the event.

I hope you can make it!

If you’re not yet a paid subscriber, you can upgrade by pressing the button below. It’s £10 per month, and you get access to:

• A live monthly workshop and Q&A

• Going forward, the archive of previous workshops

• Bonus periodic IFS resources and materials, including prompts, worksheets and guides.

  Become a paid subscriber

I really appreciate your time, attention and support - thank you.

Madeline x

‘There’s a Part of Me…’ is where I share weekly articles about applying IFS your own life. You’ll also receive personal essays, where I share some of the different ‘parts’ of me, with you - because I enjoy doing this, and I hope that it might bring you something useful too.

You’re so welcome here. I look forward to connecting in the comments or elsewhere.

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This is my first ‘personal essay’ on Substack, and it feels self-indulgent to say the least - but I am going with it.

This was in part prompted after being inspired by Annie Ridout’s recent writing and posts about what she wants, ‘What Women Want’, and actually an older, viral post of hers about the multi-faceted and often conflicting ‘wants’ of being a mother.

(Annie’s Substack and Instagram are here).

I also recently half-read (to be continued) a so-far brilliant book called 168 hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam.

In the book, she shares a simple exercise - sit down and write until you have created a ‘List of 100 Dreams’. This means anything that you want to do in your lifetime. ‘But’, she goes on to say, ‘if you find brainstorming easy, then call it the “List of 1000 Dreams”’.

I haven’t quite hit 100 in this list below, but I followed that approach to allow the ideas to flow freely.

Finally, I have only recently joined this platform. It feels pertinent to make a full and true introduction to who I am. My hopes and dreams probably give away a lot about that.

Please can you try it too? Writing your 100 (or 1000, phew!) things list.

And let me know how you get on x

Many parts, many dreams

One final thing before I start.

There are a multitude of parts that make up who we are. So it makes complete sense if you, like I do, have a multitude of different, often conflicting, goals for your life. Different parts of you with different strengths, dreams and desires.

It’s totally ok normal and ok. I, for one, am right here with you, if you feel that way.

The challenge as I see it, is maintaining momentum with any of the goals, rather than letting the scale or diversity of them numb you into stuckness. I’ve most definitely been there, too.

I recommend that you recognise wanting lots of different things for your life as a gift, to be able to see the limitless potential of your life.

I loved writing this, and collating the photo memories for it too. I hope you enjoy.

What I want

I want to be a lawyer again. Not specialising in commercial property, like I used to. I want to be the kind of lawyer that goes to court on behalf of non-human living beings, the animals, the coral, the plants, the forests - and win. (E.g. Like they do at Earth Justice.)

I want to build another community, like I did at Lake Como Wellness - my business that I built and later sold - very fortunately, as it transpired (more on that another time) - just before I had my second child in 2024. And a year later I left Lake Como to relocate to the UK anyway.

I’d love to have my own physical premises again, a studio sanctuary that I could decorate and furnish however I liked (within the limits of a start-up budget), and invite people - usually strangers - to visit and feel at home there, with me.

We’d do yoga together, journalling, IFS, arts & crafts, hold book clubs, workshops that expand the mind and teach meaningful skills and engage in meaningful discussions - or simply have a coffee or cup of tea, sharing our life’s stories and challenges with one another in a safe sanctuary. Creating. Connecting.

…I also want to never have responsibility for a public space again :)

Although once I’ve done it in the very beautiful, but heavily bureaucratic country that is Italy - and since it would be for the second time, perhaps it would be easier this time?

I want to spend ALL of my available time painting landscapes, probably of Lake Como, mainly aspects from the small town I used to live, Cernobbio.

I’ll use the 1,000s of photographs on my camera roll for inspiration, and the etching of it found directly upon my actual heart (one day to be a tattoo, too, once I have stopped breastfeeding my toddler).

I’ll paint (again - see below) the vista from the terrace in our old first floor apartment, and the trees there that watched over me each of those early days and years of raising my first child, and then second.

I want to continue to go to my old terrace in my mind to relax, with these trees, this view, and the sun on my face.

And one day, I want to rent it longterm again (or buy it) as a holiday home.

I want to be a photographer.

I love taking photos of the natural, awe-inspiring world.

I also love documentary photography that includes people doing the natural things people do.

For this reason, I booked Paul Jarrett to take photos like this at my wedding in 2017. (This is one of my favourites - you should see the rest of the collection).

I want to collate and organise the 103,000+ photos on my phone. Gulp.

I want to be a primary school teacher. I only recently put my 6.5 year old into school, after a period of ‘elective home education’. So now I go to her lovely school up to ten times per week for drop-off and pick-up. And I love it there! And I love her! It makes me want to go there too, with her. But I’d have to be staff to do that, I guess.

More broadly, I’ve noticed more and more my attraction towards teaching or otherwise working with children, because I am SO inspired by those who do. Those who create magical and nurturing spaces for children to exist in are angels on earth, if you ask me. And - what could be more directly impactful for the future, than supporting the next generation? (And their caregivers).

Plus, kids are both hilarious and incredible at teaching us so much about living well.

I want to set up a charity that fundraises for, and promotes medical research into my son’s rare genetic syndrome. It only has 100 diagnosed cases worldwide and so there is little known about it - even by most medical professionals.

I want to support parents who feel lost, alone and afraid of carrying the weight of their child’s rare condition. I want to help those parents to realise that they have the power and capacity within them to get through the worst moments of facing something so huge and unknown. I want them to truly believe that they are the best people in the world to take on this challenge, and that they are uniquely equipped to make their child’s life the best it can be.

I want to feed my family an optimally-nutritious, plant-based menu throughout the week. Make everything from scratch. Ensure that the kids have all the calcium, iron, vitamins and minerals they need. Eat all their lentils and spinach and ask for seconds. (read: I want a modern day miracle to occur).

I want to read books all day. All those unread and half-read on my bookshelf, plus all the ones I saw the other day in Waterstones and didn’t buy (ok, except one). And some more. And - read all my kids books to them, of course.

I want to scale my coaching business, and for that to happen with ease and grace, and less of the ‘solopreneur’ challenges of doing ‘everything’, many things outside of your skill or interest set. Or, paying someone to do your greatest pain points for you (a worthwhile investment IMO, but expensive to do early on).

I want to niche my IFS coaching target market to creatives, to mothers, to women, to activists, to entrepreneurs, to coaches, to anyone who is curious about IFS (this last one is the current ‘niche’).

I want to niche my IFS coaching subject matter to the collective healing of cultural legacy burdens. I mean, helping people, at scale, to heal and release the burdens of our culture using the framework that I know so well. For example, the patriarchal, materialistic, individualistic, racist values of our societies.

I want to develop an ICF accredited training for coaches and practitioners to integrate IFS into their coaching.

I want to work only online, so I can stay geographically free - although this feels less important now we are engaged in the UK school system.

I want to do more in-person events - classes, workshops, retreats. If not in my own studio, in beautiful places in nature, and for it not to rain while we are outside.

I want to teach yoga at a local studio every week and build up an in-person community. I want to do more trainings in Yoga Nidra, Yin and Restorative Yoga, breathwork facilitation, and probably some others - to complement both my IFS work and yoga teaching.

I want to be a yoga student only and join in-person classes 2-3 times a week, and not teach for now.

I want to have a really tidy and homely home, rather than one that’s half-finished, messy, with bits of random furniture from family members’ garages and self-storage units. I want to pour creative energy and time into making my home feel cosy, tropical, and a bit Italian.

I want to be qualitatively present at every opportunity with my children, and give them the maximum that I can, whilst maintaining a ‘full cup’ myself.

I want to get really strong, so I can continue to lift my son. And, apparently, this is the key to longevity. Great.

I want to continue my piano lessons (I’ve had three so far) as a musical, mindful practice, a skill to master and a world to get lost in.

I don’t want to continue my piano lessons (it doesn’t feel like the right time, and I don’t seem to be drawn to practice in between the lessons.)

I want to do the jigsaw of different types of birds that I bought at the garden centre a few weeks ago.

I want to do Sudoku puzzles every day with my daughter, who loves doing them, and so do I with her.

I want to keep practising calligraphy, a new skill I learnt at a workshop I went to alone last weekend, and which I am loving. It’s opened up a new, joyful, artistic way and incentive to communicate with people.

I want to scroll less - it’s not like I can’t think of anything better to do, is it?

I want to wake up before my kids and have a peaceful moment to myself in the morning. Rather than being awoken by a toddler sleepily suckling on my nipple for a morning snack from around 5am, until we get up and go downstairs, and say good morning to the cat together.

I want to wake up next to my kids, as kids, forever.

I want to write. I want to write articles about my life, like this one, that make me cry, remember, process, feel, and connect as part of the process.

I want to write a book, many books - memoirs, IFS ‘self-help’ book or guides, fiction novels.

I want to connect with others through writing.

I want to give up coffee.

I want to get up from my laptop now and order my third, and last, coffee of the day from the barista.

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Thanks for reading.

Madeline x

But it’s also somewhere I’ll share personal experiences linked to processing my own emotional life through the Internal Family Systems model.

Heaven forbid I come across as an imperfect human whilst positing that I can ‘coach’ others (says a perfectionist part).

With a genuine time shortage (hello, the motherhood juggle), alongside a man-made one (thanks, procrastinating part(s)), you can see why it took a while to get here.

But in a moment steeped in the creativity and clarity of Self (with a capital S, as per IFS terminology), the fears of all those protective parts have been outweighed.

And a new blog (as if the world needs another one of those, especially *yours*, says the critic, rolling its eyes), is born. Moreover, a community, I hope. Hurray!

So, let’s begin with a topic that comes up consistently in my client work, and most recently in a group coaching session I facilitated: inner critics.

Here are five ‘myths’ about inner critics, and what’s actually going on through an IFS lens.

(At the end of the article, I’ll share some prompts for getting to know a critic of your own.)

Myth #1 - Your inner critic criticises you for *fun*

What’s Actually Going On: it’s trying really hard to protect you

There are inner critical parts of you that just don’t stop. Whether they are worried about you making mistakes, being yourself or being imperfect, their message is clear: sorry (not sorry) - you are just not good enough.

You hear them loudly during even the most minor of social interactions. On the way home from social occasions. At work in front of your boss or all alone (just you and your critic at the coffee machine). In the middle of the night. In the middle of the day, as you try to put yourself out there as part of entrepreneurial endeavours. At the start of any new project.

The list goes on. And so does the critic.

Like its life depends on it.

To the critic, likely quite a young part of you, it actually feels like the world will end if it stops hounding you.

If it doesn’t keep you in check, according to the critic, terrible things will happen. Something I hear a lot is that ‘everything will fall apart’ if critics stop criticising you.

Wow is that a huge risk! Literally everything falling apart.

I personally would keep utilising the main tool in my toolkit (criticising), if I thought I was preventing absolute disaster. Wouldn’t you?

So no - the critic is not doing it for fun. It’s doing it with a positive intention - to try to protect you. To try to hold on to a sense of control and keep things (you, your life, your relationships, your job) together, as it believes. To help you thrive.

Do you notice a sense of compassion for your inner critic yet?

Myth #2 - Your inner critic enjoys criticising you

What’s Actually Going On: your critic is EXHAUSTED

The thing about being an inner critic, so I’ve heard countless times, is that it’s hard work.

Keeping you or I ‘in line’ is no mean feat, right? Especially when staying within the critic’s acceptable line is as easy as tightrope walking on dental floss if you’re an elephant. (Impossibly high standards that guy).

I’ve lost count of the number of critics I’ve encountered in IFS sessions who just want a week off to decompress, after years (often decades) of keeping up their critical act, for what they perceive is, the benefit of you and your best life.

Does anyone actually enjoy criticising others? Do happy people criticise others? Not usually, and nor are your inner critics happy, nor are they having fun.

But they don’t see a way out - without your help and intervention. More on that to follow.

Myth #3 - You need to get rid of your inner critic

What’s Actually Going On: the key is transformation, not elimination

The IFS approach encourages us to identify the different ‘parts’ of us e.g. critical parts. And there’s also a part of us different to all the others, called the Self.

You can think of your ‘Self’ as a wise, loving and unbreakable energy that exists at your core.

Parts of us, on the other hand, play roles that help us to function in the world. That is, until some of them become unhelpful in terms of the way we truly want to live.

When we identify parts that, on balance, aren’t serving us - such as critics, who get us down, cause us to feel ashamed, stop us from taking bold steps towards our goals - our objective isn’t to get rid of them. It’s to help them transform.

Some critics, once they accept that they don’t need to hold on to their critical role, just want to sit on a beach with their feet up and watch the movie of our lives.

Once they’re free of their burdens (the painful reasons they started criticising us in the first place), they can let go of the pressure of trying to control us. They don’t disappear, but instead take a back seat and enjoy a well-earned rest.

Other critics are so proud of the skills they’ve developed: persistence, vigilance, planning ahead, noticing the reactions of others, examining how we live and behave, and suggesting areas for improvement (to put it mildly).

These parts want to keep applying their skills, but in a role that’s more conducive to a happy, positive, authentic existence.

They get a second chance, transforming, for example, into your inner champion - once they’re confident that your life won’t fall apart if they let go of their original role.

Myth #4 - If you’ve arrived at adulthood with a very loud inner critical voice, that’s on you

What’s Actually Going On: critics inherit as much (or more) than they invent

Parts of us take on the words, tone of voice, energy, of those who came before us.

The caregivers, family members or teachers around when we were growing up are the gurus of our critics as they form their identities and ways of being.

As I’ve said, the critics step into their roles to protect you. They don’t want something terrible to happen (again) - like you being rejected, abandoned, ridiculed or shamed.

But often people don’t realise that critics aren’t only working to protect us from the ‘threats’ we’ve experienced. They’re often carrying material from the lives of others — ancestors, cultural heritage.

A sizeable chunk of our inner critic’s raison d'être predates our own existence, thanks to what we call in IFS, legacy burdens.

And this is just how the cookie crumbles.

The fears, anxieties and pain, sense of unworthiness and of being not enough/too much belonging to those before us can seep through the generations - until someone decides to turn inwards and offer a healing, helping hand to their long-suffering, exhausted critic.

I’ll cover more about personal and legacy burdens of critics again in another article.

Myth #5 - All the criticism pays off in the end

What’s Actually Going On: seeking to avoid shame becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

There’s an annoying but consistently proven principle in IFS thinking about parts that become extreme, like inner critics who are very loud and persistent in our day-to-day lives:

they create what they are trying to avoid.

Critics set out with an intention (always a positive one): to help you to live confidently, to connect authentically, to be loved for who you are, to succeed in meaningful ways, to avoid feeling ashamed about who you are.

But they often end up reinforcing the shame or disconnection they’re trying to protect us from.

Trying to manage a person’s confidence levels and self-belief through criticism is not great logic, is it?

So the strategy (not the part itself) is wrong and misjudged - it simply breeds more shame, more stress, more disconnection from others.

Which is why, when they become open to it and trust that it is safe to let go of their roles, our critics often (as if they have taken a leaf out of a ‘gentle parenting’ handbook) - start to use new, supportive and more compassionate strategies to achieve the same goal.

When a critic accepts that criticising doesn’t actually work in the bigger picture of our lives, it can be a beautiful turning point in its transformation.

Hopefully, seeing things through this lens, you can appreciate that IFS is an effective process for creating part-by-part positive transformation, reducing self-criticism and harmonising a fractious, tense inner experience.

Prompts for getting to know your critic

Whether you’re new to internal family systems, or already practice it regularly, you may find these prompts helpful to consider:

• In the moments you’re criticising yourself, what words or phrases do you hear on repeat? What are your critic’s mantras?

• Close your eyes and connect inwards with that critical part of you. Do you see that part of you in your mind’s eye? What does it look like? (If you don’t visualise it, that’s ok, and normal, too).

• Alternatively, or as well, externalise your critic - as an object you have to hand, or by drawing it on a piece of paper - a character, symbol, word or other mark.

• Focus your attention on your critic, as a distinct part of you. See if you can feel the compassion of your core Self towards it, bearing in mind it is doing its best to help you. What do you notice?

• Dialogue with your critic, letting it know that you want to get to know it better, and help it to live with greater ease, alongside all the other parts of your inner system.

I’d love to hear what comes up for you as you reflect upon your own critical voice in the context of this article, or if you try any of these prompts.

If a particular myth has created a shift in your thinking, leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you.

And if you’re curious about working together one-to-one or in a group, you can explore my current IFS offerings on my website.